Release that Which is NOT Meant for YOU
How often do we get stuck in the flow of life.
Checking boxes, doing all the things, only to find we are simply not fulfilled or “happy”.
We followed the plan, but still something is missing.
We never stopped to ask ourselves what WE truly want.
Maybe you were so caught up in your romantic relationship that you forgot to pause and return back to your own sense of self.
Maybe you were so caught up in work that the countless hours of unpaid overtime has deeply weighed on your soul and you are not quite sure how you got so lost.
Maybe you were so caught up in raising babies, you forgot to raise and nurture yourself.
The truth is, regardless of the story, losing ourselves in something else is culturally supported. Enmeshment and codependency are at the center of most family dynamics unfortunately.
While we idolize individualism as a society, we have an F*’d up way of showing it.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DISCONNECT US FROM OURSELVES.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS CONNECT US TO OURSELVES.
This is my mantra right now.
Those relationships that are healthy should challenge you, spark creativity, enhance you, offer space for growth, and inevitability change you in the best way possible.
We need community and people to connect with and support us along the way. And those healthy communities also provide space for us to better know ourselves.
While uncomfortable, letting go of that which does not serve us is imperative to grow. It will hurt. There is a grieving process associated with the loss of relationships no matter how toxic they are.
When it boils down to it, you are attracted to certain relationship dynamics because that is what you know.
Depending on how love was given to you as a child, no matter how unhealthy or toxic, your nervous system acknowledges that pattern as love.
When we are born, the only part of our nervous system that is built is the parasympathetic nervous system, and specifically the dorsal vagal reflex (freeze). This keeps us safe from predators in life or death situations.
TRAUMA WARNING * That being said, the rest of our nervous system is calibrated off of our caregivers…
So, depending on who raised you in the first few years of life, that is who essentially calibrated the early most deeply rooted workings of your nervous system.
Not to go too deep in my own story, but I was raised by two emotionally unstable humans. My mother, a depressed, bi-polar, un-purposed, lost human in active addiction. And my father, a young, narcissistic, workaholic. Their relationship as I remember was very toxic and violent, I’ve had a lot of subconscious memories pop up through out the past few years.
I say this as a reference point. While we can sit here today and say, “well I’ve healed that inner child part of me” or “I’ve distanced myself from those people” (6 hours away in fact, and blocked numbers) or “that isn’t who I am now, I’m different and that has no weight in my life”.
I encourage you to step back. Look at your life as an observer, as a witness. No judgement. Zoom out and just look.
These core memories, behaviors, and patterns, while they may not be a part of your life at this point, the ties of living in a dysfunctional family have threads so deep within us its inevitable they are playing out some how.
Consider those times when you are exhausted and burned out. How do you react?
Consider the narrative you might tell yourself about the world.
Consider your emotional states of anxiety, fear, depression, uncertainty.
Consider how it feels to approach the unknown.
While we may be doing the work, there is a corner or crevasse, or a giant sink hole in my case, that could possibly be addressed.
Thoughts to move forward :
Find professional support : I believe everyone should be appointed a therapist at birth lol. Therapy is a good container to have an objective view into your life by someone you don’t know.
Become the witness : notice your patterns and tendencies. Ask yourself, do these align with my values and goals? Get REAL here.
Consider your community : do you have a community around you that is nourishing or that inspires you to be better? We are social beings. We need community. If you notice you have had the same people in your life for 20 years but you feel bad shifting our of that group, do a quick inventory. Do these people support your growth or limit your growth?
Aparigraha : Non-attachment or non-grasping is one of the Yamas or restraints come from yogic philosophy. This concept leads us to release that which does not serve us. To let go and let god. We can attach to a variety of things: people, material things, places, jobs, but most of all delusions about the future. Some times we must get really real. Note the truth, and move from there.
My intention with this post was short and sweet. Well it simply didn’t come out that way :) But I hope there were some nuggets of wisdom and reference points to support your journey.
As always,
𝓢𝓽𝓪𝔂 𝓖𝓻𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓭, 𝓢𝓽𝓪𝔂 𝓖𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰
Gratefully
Megan
